


Think Twice

by lightwavesurfer



Category: So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation
Genre: Angst, F/F, Narrative, POV First Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-05
Updated: 2013-08-05
Packaged: 2017-12-22 12:05:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/913020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightwavesurfer/pseuds/lightwavesurfer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kim Taeyeon is musing about her relationship with Jessica Jung. A reflection of one's inner mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Think Twice

I breathed. The sinking feeling returned. Without warning.

I closed my eyes and counted. _One. Two. Three._

Think about happier times, I chanted inside my mind. I kept my face emotionless, afraid that someone would find out what I’m thinking.

Here’s the thing.

This place was crowded. Everyone was paying attention to me, or to the group, or to whoever was talking now. I didn’t care. I was standing in the back and observing. The MC didn’t ask me. Eh, that’s good, my mind wasn’t in the place to answer any questions anyway.

I looked around.

Pink, blondes, brunettes, flashes, curious eyes and some familiar faces. It was so damn predictable; I had enough of it. There were too many colors and voices and expectations. It was too taxing for my little body.

Tapping my foot, I counted again.

You were chuckling when Hyoyeon made her usual joke. I bit the inside of my cheek.

I looked down at you and reminisced about our history, moments we shared together, the numbers of kisses you gave me, the times you embraced me and said you loved me and I replied with the same fervor. All the times that we were so close and caring to each other. Ah, good times.

How should I put this into words so I can explain everything to myself without making my poor little heart confused? Okay. I loved you. Every fiber in my whole being was in love with you. My skin was a map where you had put your mark right on my heart. It left a mark, frankly.

And this was how my love for you now: chained.

Here’s the thing.

I want to love you. I really do want to love you, freely. Silently. Without anyone judging me.

But this is not my life anymore.

Everyone wants me to be with someone, but not with you.

Not with you, and that saddens me.

And here’s the thing…

I can’t love you freely.

Someone made a joke and everyone was laughing. I laughed too, betting to myself that my smile was enough to fool them all. Of course they believed me. I’m the dorky kid leader, and I always looked happy. Tsk. Fools.

I looked at you, subtly so no one would see.

I looked at your shoulders, thin but unyielding and I remembered the way you pull me to rest my head there, against the warmth of your body. Mark this. Warmth. Your title as the ice princess was a pure joke because you weren’t cold at all, I meant it.

There were times when you whispered your love to my ear. There were times I was able to answer those. There were times when you publicly showed your love to me. Those were the times. Those were the happiest moments of my life. But I was different from you. I could say love to other members as easy as cutting a butter, but not to you.

I preferred to love you in silence, in secret.

No. Loving you wasn’t easy especially with how people perceived us. You had your images, and I had mine.

 There were rules that we should obey. And we had no other choice. We were the epicenter of this whole mess. Everybody saw me I love her, and you love her or him or anyone that crossed path with you.

But our journey suddenly stopped. Halted. And I never realized that the effect would be this mortifying. You slipped away, I slipped away, we were both drifting apart. No smiles. No hugs. Not even eye contacts. This hurt me, and maybe you got hurt too. And that was the most thrilling part because hurting meant I still had it inside my heart. How did this happen? When did this happen?

I could write pages about this. Maybe an entire novel dedicated to you and I.

_…Do you miss me? Answer me, you fool!_ I texted you that a few days ago.

You were still laughing and now looking at Hyo, looking past me.

_Where are you looking at, idiot? I’m here! Look at me!_

You intended to look back to your front. How unfortunate. Your eyes met mine.

I looked at you, briefly so no one would notice.

Your smile didn’t falter, I know what you were thinking.

The sinking feeling was still inside me, packed like a punch ready to burst out. I got a little hunch that we still had a thousand miles to go before we could get free from this chain, from the people who discussed our relationship freely as if they owned our lives and hearts.

A little more time.

You looked back to your front. I straightened my pose.

How long it would be, we would never know.

**Author's Note:**

> I've posted it in AFF but I've had enough of that place. So here you go. I listened to Groove Armada while writing this hence the title. Enjoy.  
> And costructive critics are much appreciated.


End file.
